and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
