so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
