You're so nebulous sometimes
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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