Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
did you just send me my own nude
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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