I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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