if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Randomize
