tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
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