your thong is hanging out like whoa
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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