I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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