rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
This house was built for laser tag.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
