i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
