Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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