I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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