I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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