Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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