32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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