I wish I only lived at night.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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