the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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