thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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