Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
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