i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
