I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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