I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
