cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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