He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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