i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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