im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Randomize
