hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
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she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
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This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
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