I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Randomize
