I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
