Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
