Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
