In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
