She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
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