Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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