I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
