I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
