My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Randomize
