I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
NoShamevember. You game?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
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