I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Randomize
