Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
