Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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