There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
