I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
