I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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