she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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