kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
