I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
