I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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