So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
