a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
