he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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