I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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