my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Randomize
