Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize