i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
