Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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