Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
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